No. 11: Let us look at how marriages might last longer
August 14th 2008 21:20
A longer ride ahead?
I usually warn the readers when personal introspection is behind the content. Let me preface the following by saying this is true here too.
Our last post discussed the societal need for the marriage institution throughout history, and why when we make such a huge commitment it is for social harmony as well as for our own gratification.
In the U.S., the divorce rate indicates a failure of this commitment about half the time. Everything and everyone change, but do we have to have so many of our family members, friends and fellow citizens, and maybe even us, hurting from the dissolution of marriage?
It used to be said that if we could make it seven years, we could make the marriage last a lifetime. But now we hear of people splitting up after 30, 40 or more years of marriage.
At the same time the divorce rate continues to be high, the numbers of very long lasting marriages seem to be increasing. Maybe we should be concentrating on them, like the aging experts concentrate on Himalayan tribal people they think live longer than the rest of us.
One of the advantages of being in the insurance industry for over 20 years is that I have been surrounded by people older than myself much of the time. Over the years, you can believe I have asked many of them just what they thought were their "secrets" to their lasting marriages. Some of the replies may surprise you. Let me list some I have observed and heard, as well as,
1) Above all RESPECT your partner! This is one of the most important words in all life. Webster's New Twentieth Century Dictionary (old, but still applies) mentions:
a) "holding in high esteem,"
b) "hold in honor,"
c) "holding in high estimation,"
d) "consideration--courteous regard" On a personal note, my wife and I
have always made it a point to say such things as "please," thank
you," and "I love you," whenever we feel like it, and that it is an
time or connection,
-- and importantly --
e) "pre-justice of justice." I take this to mean a sense of fairness.
How can we say we "love" someone and not feel the need to respect that person? Long-term marriage partners seem to honor one another and abandon the urges to seek one-up-manship over the other. Overbearing actions, and power plays are less often exhibited by people who generally love and respect one another. One cause of power plays is low self esteem and a feeling of inferiority. This is inherent in all of us. Controlling it is another matter.
Maybe it is because as time passes, people see the demise of so many, and tragedies experienced by loved ones, that we grow more appreciative of what we have and want to nourish it.
2) Communication. Obviously, everyone intrinsically knows this should be a primary goal. Unfortunately, I have spent many hours counseling clients who cannot do this effectively. One is too shy or the other is too over bearing. This should be every couple' s goal: to talk out issues more.
With that being said, a caution is needed: Too much talking by one partner over the other can also lead to conflict. Personally, for my wife and me, silent times can be found to be beneficial for us.
3) Honesty. We cannot lie to our loved one and expect confidence in the relationship to develop. If we have lied in the past, then we need to re-establish and increase our partner's confidence by our actions, and not just our words.
4) Trust. We should be giving our loved ones a reason to trust. The ever growing awareness that our relationship is not threatened from the outside is a confidence builder and can lead to more personal comfort, and a lessened need to challenge the other for validation through our personal acts of intimidation, etc.
5) Financial cooperation. Although there are exceptions to the rule, generally when one abdicates all financial planning and deeds to the other, trouble is afoot! This is one of the main causes for divorce. People who have long relationships most often work together regarding money. One partner spending more than is budgeted has crippled or killed some of the most promising relationships.
6) Reliance and Dependence. Once I had an employer who urged me to move as far away from the inlaws as possible if we wanted a lasting marriage. Well, this is extreme, but it develops the point that we need dependence on the other loved ones in order to help grow our love. It is a fact of life.
7) Awareness. almost ties in with the whole respect issue, but it is more. Loving people tend to be almost clairvoyant when it comes to anticipating the other's needs or wishes. This is developed over time. Two people just starting out should not expect this ability to be present yet.
8) Shared likes, dislikes and activities. There is not much to add here. It is self explanatory. Can we not all see that choosing a partner who shares our preferences, pet peeves and love of certain sports, arts, religious leanings, and activities will help us to grow deeper in fondness and love. But if that partner does not share these at first, it does not mean that he/she will never, nor does it mean that we cannot develop the same over time. This is what growing together is all about.
9) Reflection of memories. One way to kindle the desire and respect is to reflect on many of the experiences we had when we were dating and our early times together.
10) The "power hungry," low self-esteem spouse. I mention this one in light face type, because I do not want this listed with the other positive items. When one partner completely dominates the other it usually spells disaster, but we have all observed some very long relationships and marriages under these conditions. We usually think of the macho male shouting at his quiet, submissive spouse, but sometimes it is the woman who is doing the dominating. I have personally seen couples like this stay together for over 60 years! This is, of course, the exception and not the rule. If both are truly happy, only they can tell.
I think it is safe to say that Paul Harvey enjoys highlighting couples who have been together 60, 70 or even 80 years together. Once I heard him speak of two lovers who had spent 85 years in happiness.
All of us looked into the eyes of our loved one and envisioned being together into old age. Practicing some of the positive things listed in this post might just place us all on the road to this fulfillment.
Keep it between the lines...
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